Happy Holiday Shopping

This may sound a bit ranty, you see, I have just partaken the American Judah-Christian’s annual tradition of Christmas/Holiday shopping. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a “shopping-phobic”. Quite opposite I shall let you know, I have a reputation of being a connoisseur at the art of shopping.

What I really don’t like is the “let’s buy stuff because it’s the season of giving”. What a load of crap that is. There are many things contribute to my pure annoyance toward holiday shopping. Aside from my self-centerness, I would categorize them into three genres:

“Anything Would Be Fine”

It is easy for you to say. If people are still unable to find the “any-key” on a computer keyboard, how are you exactly expect me to find this magical “anything”? If I was to show up with a pair of soiled undergarment from local homeless man as your present, I doubt you would like it. So please do me a favor and give me some hints here. I have been slacking off on my telepathy skill.

“Surprise Me”

How can holiday gift exchange be a surprise? We have being having the same holidays for years. All the major holidays are marked on the calendar already. It is not that hard to figure out some holiday garb are coming your way. I always go by the signs: 1. it is socially acceptable for parents to place their children on the laps of obese strange men, 2. everything are red as if the Communists have taken over the entire Western civilization; and 3. Holiday themed music are played on hard-rock radio stations.

What is a surprise you ask? Well, if your significant other just told you that he/she got the result back from local STD clinic and suggests you to do the same, that my friend, might just be a surprise.

“I Want …”

Wow, be reasonable here, buddy. You can salivate over there all you want, but you are not getting it. Why? It is because you are not worthy. I am not being cheap here, but where is the last time you have done something that is nice and productive? Let’s face it, something are just simply impossible, like Mid-East peace treaty, or Dubya doing something that would not screw up America even more. So do yourself a favor, scratch that outlandish request off from your list, and try again.

Happy holiday shopping (and buy nothing).